I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
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my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete