Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
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[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
April 1st is the class clown of days.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!