I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
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*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.