My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
You Might Also Like
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?