The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
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RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen