[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
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me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐