Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
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Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
i did the math
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.