i like to flex on them by shrugging
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Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.