Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
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My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.