A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
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Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need