He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
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[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
motivation
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?