I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
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Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”