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Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Based Erika
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.