date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
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There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread