[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
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If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
🤣🤣
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.