*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
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My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.