Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
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*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before