If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
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I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never