Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
You Might Also Like
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.