My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
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Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out