{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
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My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL