drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
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Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
She puts the hot in psychotic
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-