Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
You Might Also Like
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Labreador
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”