Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
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The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”