[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
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Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William