I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
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John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
My love language is hissing.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.