Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
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In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.