[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
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“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
So, can we agree on 4 or
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol