HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
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Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something