Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
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What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Easy enough.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit