2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
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My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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💯😂
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.