[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
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Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
The best plant holders?
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Them: You should try keto
Me:
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on