99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
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When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Breaking news:
Omg like wtf
-me, praying