her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
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Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
describing stardew valley
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]