every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
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Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
I have never related to anyone more.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.