I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
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Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
There’s never enough good news
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.