I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
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date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out