Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
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Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
i now pronounce you bounced.