If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
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Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?