I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
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Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.