I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
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ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
It was worth a shot 😂
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.