When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
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omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
seems fine
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.