Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
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Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
screw you
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things