2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
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the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
i prefer mine room temperature.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I thought this was funny lol
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”