The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
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Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
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I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Nice try Hitler
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”