Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
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Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
How dramatic are you?
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”