He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
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shit, they caught us—run!!!
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Food gives you energy to nap more.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.