i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
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Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
the last thing a carrot sees
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi