there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
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The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.