If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
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I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
I never know how much to tip a cow.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty